


I Don't Love You, But I Always Will

by author_abz



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-13 04:18:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4507473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/author_abz/pseuds/author_abz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Unfortunately, not many things Kendall can do in LA are sufficiently distracting to keep Logan's face ... out of his mind."</p><p>In which Kendall crashes a date of Logan and Camille's, and they end up in the pool ("It was an accident!" Kendall says exasperated through the towel on his head).</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Love You, But I Always Will

**Author's Note:**

> Title from The Civil Wars' song "Poison and Wine" - a song I feel fits Kendall and Logan's relationship extraordinarily well.
> 
> This is post-canon, with a bit of my own ever changing, ever-solid pre-canon headcanon playing a part.

It's a rare Saturday night when there are no Hollywood parties for Big Time Rush to attend, no movie premieres, and no album release parties. It's a free night, and everyone is taking advantage of it - everyone except Kendall, who's watching the pool scene below from 2J's living room window. He's got a nice perch on top of the couch that he's pretending to read on, wishing everyone well as they got ready and left for their dates.

"You're pathetic," Katie calls over her shoulder as she fluffs her hair waiting for her date. "Even _Mom_ has a date."

"Which we are really happy about." Kendall warns her. And it's true - Kendall and Katie were both thrilled when the new screenwriter downstairs started flirting with Jennifer, then finally asked her out. In the same way he was happy when James marched out of the apartment, arm in arm with Lucy, Carlos went to pick up Alexa, and as Mama Knight flustered and smiled her way out the door. Logan's been gone a while with Camille, which is expected; lately she would just come and take him away for hours at a time. They're probably on a date right now too.

Kendall doesn't think about that as he alternates between watching his sister fuss in front of the mirror and watching all of the happy people below at the pool. It's true he might be pathetic, but Jo's shooting a movie in Spain, and when he realized he didn't mind that Jo would be gone so long and so far away, they broke up. He doesn't feel bad about it, even though people keep giving him sympathetic looks. He really wishes they wouldn't. Instead of making him feel good about life, happy that people care, it makes his mind jump to things he _should_ be feeling bad about. Stuff he's pushed down and doesn't want to think about. So a quiet, empty apartment is a nice change of scenery for him.

"Well, don't have too much fun tonight," Katie calls back to him as there's a knock at the door.

" _You too_ ," Kendall says back, a slight tilt in his voice he hopes she picks up that means he's serious. He catches his sister rolling her eyes at him, and he wants to go over and at least partially intimidate her boyfriend. But he promised her he wouldn't more than once a week, and he's already used his chance this week.

"Goodnight!" Katie yells over her shoulder before she slams the door, making Kendall smile. There is no doubt in his mind that if Katie's boyfriend _did_ try something - she would kick his ass herself - not that he wouldn't show up as back up before she even asked for it.

From his perch above the pool, sitting on the back of the couch, back resting on the window edge, he's completely relaxed watching all the couples and friend groups interact. It's a relatively new, sneaky way he's figured out how to still be in the loop of social information while giving himself alone time, avoiding all the sympathetic looks, and letting his mind wander. Usually it wanders back to Minnesota and how much easier and straightforward things were, and usually he's okay with that. Unless his mind goes back to revisit times and places no one talks about, because they never happened. When Kendall's mind does _that_ his stomach churns uncomfortably and he makes himself look at something else or go and do something that requires a lot of concentration.

Unfortunately, not many things Kendall can do in LA are sufficiently distracting to keep Logan's face, inches away from his own in the darkness of Minnesota nights, out of his mind. Instead, he keeps reliving all the very private times he's spent with Logan: after hockey training camps, after games, after finishing homework, and during sleepovers after everyone else had gone to sleep. It's tough, because the more he tries to push down the memories of things that they both agreed never happened - that they agreed after they came to LA were 'nothing' - the more the memories try to fight their way into his brain.

So instead he watches out the window, filling his head with other people's stories - other people's happiness and drama, their frustrations and triumphs.

This particular night is a good one to watch - he sees more serious couples pass through and leave for restaurant or party dates, while the fragile new couples hang out timidly at poolside tables and cabanas - trying not to look too long at long-time couples hanging out, sitting on top of each other. James and Lucy, Kendall sees - are making everyone vastly uncomfortable, Lucy in James's lap, making out. It makes Kendall vaguely wish they would get a room, but knows he'd be much more uncomfortable if they actually _did_ because they'd come up to the nearly empty apartment. Still, he smiles at how happy James clearly is, and resolves not to look at them, except to check that they _don't_ sneak off to her apartment.

Instead, Kendall watches Carlos and Alexa for a few minutes as they talk and play a complicated game of keep away and catch at the same time. Then he quizzes himself on the newer residents' names and what they do, or at least what they're trying to do in LA. His eyes wander like this for a while, then leans his head back, shutting his eyes in relaxation, and he takes a few minutes to check his phone. Satisfied everyone is enjoying their Saturday night, he glances back out the window lazily.

Kendall's eyes immediately dart to the sparkling read ball gown now next to the pool, a snazzy tux on its arm, and his heart starts thudding uncomfortably fast. Suddenly Kendall can't breathe, his mind is hazy, and all he sees is Logan and Camille dressed up in black tie formal wear - ready to flaunt their relationship to the public, willing to make it as official as possible. It doesn't matter that Camille had told them all earlier that there were no good premieres tonight, or that they're in the pool area instead of headed out the door - he can't think.  He sits, frozen, heart pounding, terror and despair filling him up.

Kendall's halfway down the hallway, then the stairway, before he realizes he's moved at all. A resounding "no, no, no, no, no, no, no," keeps echoing inside his head, a few of the 'no's escaping into the stairwell as mutters before he gasps for breath, gulping air down before he charges through the door into the lobby.

There are a lot more people in the lobby than Kendall thought, but he pushes through the crowd without stopping, nearly tumbling through the doors out to the pool area. His eyes immediately lock on Logan, standing next to Camille and some of her movie co-stars, all in similar formal wear. They're all talking and laughing, including Logan, his smile bright. Kendall's heart plummets further, propelling himself toward the group, directly towards Logan.

They all turn at once to acknowledge Kendall joining them, and Logan and Camille even get out helloes, Camille turning toward the group for introductions before Kendall reaches Logan and kisses him.

Kendall's hands cup the sides of Logan's face, putting his mouth on his so forcefully they stumble backward a few steps, but Logan doesn't pull away, letting Kendall cling to him in the few seconds it takes them to steady. Then he starts to kiss him back - one of this arms sneaking its way up to grab him by the back of the head, his other hand grabbing onto the front of his shirt. Kendall's eyes are squeezed shut tight, a few tears leaking through, as he matches Logan's willingness with even more force, pushing into him, wrapping an arm around his back, pulling them closer together, not doing anything past making sure their lips are pressed together continuously.

When Logan pulls back ever so slightly to adjust their mouths against each other, Kendall pushes back closer, brushing their noses against each other and gently knocking their teeth together. Kendall feels Logan's lips quirk up ever so slightly, and it makes his stomach flip over itself, and then he's leaning his whole body into him. Unable to adjust quick enough, Logan stumbles a little backwards again, except this time the pair topples into the pool, hands still wrapped around each other.

They surface sputtering, shaking water out of their faces and hair, floating a foot or two away from each other. The noise around them has erupted, many of the voices recognizable, loud, and angry. Ignoring all of that, Kendall catches Logan's eyes and swims closer, swallowing nothing a few times, staring a blank-faced Logan head-on. Then he whispers, "I love you. The only dreams I care about coming true are the ones with you in them."

Logan doesn't say anything, closing his eyes and swimming backwards away from Kendall. Kendall pulls himself out of the pool first, then waits for Logan to reach the edge, and pulls him up by the arms.

"This is a rented tux - I'm gonna lose the deposit." Logan states matter of factly.

"Sorry," Kendall mutters. "I wasn't thinking... I'll pay you back."

Logan looks up at him, ignoring the calls of the people around them and takes his jacket off, shaking out his various limbs. He locks eyes with Kendall again, saying, "You could have just told me... you didn't have to molest me into the pool."

Kendall grins even as Logan shoves him backwards into the pool again. After a second, he hoists his way back out and follows after Logan, but Camille, James, and Carlos step in front of him, blocking the way.

"Kendall," Camille says, her voice low and dangerous. "What was that?"

With a sheepish smile Kendall says, "I accidentally knocked Logan into the pool."

"No!" James cuts in, "the part where it looked like _you kissed Logan_?!"

Kendall tries not to smile, looking from James's serious rigid face scowling at him to Camille's wide-eyes boring into him. "Um," he scrubs through his hair a few times so it sticks straight up. "It's a long story."

"How long?" Carlos asks, Alexa still on his arm. "Like... back in sophomore year long?" He turns back to Alexa and nonchalantly takes a bite from one of the corndogs she's holding.

Kendall turns to his friend, his face carefully blank. "What do you know?"

Carlos takes his time chewing and swallowing before he answers, "Nothing... I just remember overhearing you guys fight about something - not anything like what I didn't hear you guys say just now in the pool."

"Carlos," Kendall groans in frustration, covering his face with his hands as his friend smirks.

"Carlos, what do you know?" James turns angrily on him.

"Nothing!" Carlos smiles. "I mean, it's very exciting ... but it's nothing."

James rolls his eyes, but Camille is still staring directly at Kendall, her arms crossed. "Tell me why you interrupted our date - I don't care how long a story it is."

"Um," he bites his lip and looks around at everyone. "I can't - I mean, I shouldn't - because Logan should be here when I do, and - uh - I have to make sure that I can - that he's okay with it."

Camille narrows her eyes, not moving, but Kendall hears Carlos say "awww..." not quite enough under his breath, and he tries to remember there's probably a really good reason he shouldn't strangle one of his best friends. He stands, dripping awkwardly a few more seconds before he starts to side-step Camille, who moves to block him.

"You're not going anywhere until you explain yourself!"

"I just want to put on some dry pants." He says, trying to get around her.

"You should have thought of that before you interrupted us!"

Kendall tries very hard not to roll his eyes. "Falling into the pool was an accident!"

"Oh, I don't know - seemed pretty on purpose to me." Logan strolls back into the pool area wearing an old worn tee and gym shorts, a towel wrapped around his neck. "I thought you were coming up to get changed?"

"Camille wouldn't let me!" Kendall points lamely to the girl still standing in front of him.

She points back at him. "He can't just crash into our red carpet premiere prep party! I want to know what the hell he was doing."

Logan frowns slightly, his eyes flickering over to James and Carlos, the rest of Camille's co-stars, random people around the pool staring, and then quickly to Kendall, hair plastered down over his forehead, clothes still dripping on the pavement. He throws the towel at his face, grinning, then turns to Camille.

"Well, he kind of can. Interrupt us, I mean. I mean - it was really rude and selfish, but - it's kind of a long story you don't need to hear."

"Yes I do!"

"Uh, I know we do," James chips in, indicating himself, Lucy, Carlos, and Alexa.

" _No_ , you _don't_." Logan's tone is firm, and Carlos actually puts his hands up.

"To be fair," Kendall says, towel around his chest. "I did say that I would tell them with you here ... with your permission."

"Okay, fine - but I really don't want to talk about it right now - _somebody_ threw me into a pool."

"It was an accident!" Kendall says exasperated through the towel on his head.

"And I have to break with Camille," Logan goes on like he hasn't heard him.

"What? Why?"

"Because I have to Camille, I'm sorry."

"What, because of Kendall?"

"Yes." He takes her hands in his gently. "No. Either way, I'm just not the right guy for you."

Camille pulls her hands away, tears glistening in her eyes as they narrow and her mouth twists down. "You're just choosing Kendall over me, even though we actually _work_ , and we're actually a _couple_ , and we _love each other_ \- "

Logan grabs onto her gesticulating hands again, cutting her off. "There's no _choice_ , Camille." He opens and closes his mouth a few times, looking down at their joined hands. "And even if it were a choice - between you and Kendall - I love you - but I love him ... way more than I ever thought possible." He looks up at her again, and there are tears in both of their eyes. "You're the best girlfriend a guy could ask for - I just don't want one... I'm taken."

Camille squeezes his hands tight before dropping them, ducking her head as she discreetly wipes away a few tears.

"So, are you mad at me?" Kendall asks tentatively, stepping forward a little.

"Yes!" Logan and Camille say at the same time, both turning toward him, and Kendall's face falls.

"Asshole," Logan says. "You crashed Camille's party, threw me in the pool, and _everyone saw_."

Kendall looks down, sheepish again. "Sorry."

There's a few seconds of silence before Logan asks, "Were you apologizing to me or Camille? Because she needs it more."

Kendall looks directly at Camille then. "I'm sorry, Camille. I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you," he tells her sincerely.

She's still glowering at him, arms crossed. "We'll see." As she turns and leaves, Kendall notices that all of her co-stars welcome her back into their semi-circle sympathetically, while the rest of the poolside Palm Woods is still staring openly at them (and there are more people here than when he came downstairs, he's pretty sure).

"And," Logan addresses him again, smirking, "I think you know how I want you to apologize to me."

Kendall covers the bottom half of his face with a hand. "Oh my God," he says, chuckling. "So we're good?" he asks, smiling.

Logan just shakes his head, still grinning. "Idiot." Then he takes three quick strides to him, crashing their lips back together, pulling him down with a hand in his hair.

Carlos whoops loudly, Lucy actually catcalls, and James shouts, "Seriously?" Some other people around the pool yell or loudly "aww." It doesn't take long before James and Carlos roll their eyes at each other, silently deciding only so much sap is acceptable, picking up Kendall and Logan together and throwing them into the pool. This time when they come up for air, sputtering, they both suggest taking it upstairs. There's a lot of apologizing and celebrating to do.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to say for the record that if you liked this fic, you should really listen to "Poison and Wine" and imagine it as the music for watching this. Especially for Kendall racing down the stairs. That's what kept the idea in my head so that I HAD to write it.
> 
> Also for some reason I keep thinking that Carlos's wife's name is "Alexis" - but it's "Alexa," which I looked up several times. Please let me know if they mildly changed it for whatever reason in-show?
> 
> The basic headcanon I'm basing this (and all of my Kogan ideas) on is really just that Kendall and Logan were very secretly together in their middle school/early high school days and had a plan of being together forever and going to college and being a famous hockey player while Logan went to med school and essentially agreeing to help each other achieve their dreams. But it was never stated out loud except in very rare fights and like whispered bedroom talk type stuff. That's basically what Kendall's referencing in the pool.
> 
> Eventually I'll write a huge fic on it, I'm sure. This is the closest I'm getting right now, because all of my other fics involve the Stanley Cup &/or parental units!Kendal and Logan. (For more about my feelings on parental units Kendall and Logan - see my tumblr posts.)
> 
> P.S. Yes, I did have an EXTREME DESIRE to take the "I'm taken!" epiphany type route a la Topanga Lawrence realizing that Cory Matthews was the only guy for her. Instead... I had to improvise it into what made more sense. But that was the vibe I was trying for. LOGAN IS TAKEN.


End file.
